I was so sure I had a “post” in me on Sunday. Unfortunately I was nowhere near a computer at that time and so I lost that post. Yesterday, I opened a blank word document and well, it remained just that …a blank word document.  Maybe this is what they call writer’s block. Although I am not conceited enough to think I am a writer or anything.  So, yesterday I was almost resigned to the fact that my post is lost, never to be found again. L

The post was supposed to be about the age-old question  “What is love?” What makes us loveable?  What makes love last? What makes two people love each other? What makes them stay together for life? How many of you have known love?  How many of you have known lasting love?  I truly, genuinely envy those people who have known love and are still with the ones they love. They must know something or be doing something that I don’t. Pataa nahin kaunsi chakki ka atta khaate hain? So, I decided not to torture myself with these questions. Questions that I found no answer for. I just decided that I am love-deficient.  No, it does not mean that I am universally hated or something. I am loved by my family, friends and may be I even have some secret admirers out there. But, I have been rather unsuccessful in the “romantic” love department. It has left me entirely foxed and bewildered.

So, to make my life sane, I have reached a conclusion that maybe I am not cut out for this “romantic type” of love. Most of the days I can live with that. This thought has kept me sane and relatively happy I can think that all those ideas that there is a soul mate, God has made us all in pairs etc is just a load of crap. I was probably a manufacturing aberration. I was meant to be alone. No soul out there seeking me out. Except once in a while, I wonder why … Today seems one of those days.

Someone asked me recently, have I ever been “in love”? That is what got me thinking. Why do we crave to be in love? Is love a drug that gets you high? I do not know about love, but infatuation was pretty heady. I remember my first big crush. I never dated him or anything. Just a glimpse of him and I would feel butterflies in my stomach. He was from another branch of Engineering and Senior to me. So, I did not get to see him everyday. It was only occasionally that I would catch sight of him. I would wait for classes in the Old Building, because I had figured out that he had classes there. One look was enough. My day was made. The times I got to talk to him, well, I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.  All my gal pals knew of my crush and they would tease me. But it was our secret and I hoped no one ever knew. But later I came to know that HE knew. I guess such things don’t remain secret. Crushes have a lifetime and mine lasted for around 2 years and then it fizzled off.

The beauty of a crush is that it can give you an instant high. And unlike love, which can wound you and leave you scarred for life, crushes don’t do so much damage. So, if I could choose, I would choose a crush over love. Love takes too much out of you. I know I am not a teenager anymore; still what’s the harm in trying. In fact a having a crush is good. It makes you look forward to the day. Will I see him today? Will he look at me? So, yes, I have a secret crush on somebody in the office. I don’t even know his name. But whenever I see him, I feel good. He is not in my team and I see him only now and then. That makes it interesting. Now, why I feel happy when I see him, I don’t know. One of my friends suggested, why don’t you ask him out for coffee. I think, why should I? I like it this way. I like having a crush on an unknown person. Maybe actually speaking to this guy or befriending him would ruin the whole “crush” experience. There are days on end when I do not see him. And then one day I see him, several times and you could see me grinning away like an idiot.

I know, having a crush is a poor substitute for love. In fact I know that it is no substitute. But it does give me a high. On days when I am feeling really low, someone or something that makes me smile is well worth it. So, while I look for a sighting of my tall, dark and sort of handsome crush, you guys get back to whatever it was you were doing.

By the way, even seeing a cute, toothless baby makes my day. So, I am not just partial to the TDH types J

P.S.   I was supposed to watch Kismet Konnection last weekend, but I was warned by S, that it is not worth it. Now, S is someone I met online, who is even greater movie buff than I am. I wait till Saturday, but he sees movies on Friday nite itself. Thanks for the warning pal! Dark Knight, I do plan to watch, though I have heard that it is a bit too lengthy for an English flick.